Practicing patience

I crave love. Not in the teen romance sense that everyone wants at an age too young to really comprehend. I crave something much more than that. For as long as I can remember, since I was a child, I had a deep understanding of the world around me. Maybe that's why I was such a sad kid, I was too emotionally aware to have the chance to experience just being a kid. When I was little, my favourite game was playing weddings and babies. I never wished to be rich or become a superstar, all I ever wanted, my ultimate goal in life - was to have a family. That feeling never faded, but somewhere along the way, in that dream scenario, I stopped picturing a husband by my side, and all I seen was the children I was waiting to love. I know I have so much life to live and that this is only the beginning. But I can't seem to shake that feeling. The fear that I might never find it. The sadness of feeling like I'm missing out on something. The guilt for not trusting God and having faith and patience in his plan. I'm trying so hard to be present, and focus on where I am now and not what's still to come, but you don't know how my heart sinks just a little each time I see videos of parents laughing happily with their babies. You don't see how my eyes soften when a child smiles at me in public. You don't see the tears fill up when I hold my nephew and dread the countdown of minutes until I have to hand him back. You have no idea how many nights I've spent praying to God. I pray so hard. I desperately beg for a sign, for any sign, to show me that I'm on the right path, that my time is coming. All I ever wanted was a place to pour my love. A love that's unconditional. A love that's unwavering. Steady, solid love. Something worthwhile, something real, something more than I had. There may have been love in my house, yes. But that love was never displayed. Never showed nor spoken. And that does damage to a child. So all I pray is that I can correct those mistakes. That I can raise a child of my own and show them more love than they ever thought possible. So I know I'm still young, but I'm patiently waiting my turn.