daddy issues

"message sent." she puts down her phone. the next time she picks it up, she reads "opened 4 mins ago... ". her heart drops and the warm smile spread across her face fades. she tries to bury the guilt and regret she feels deep down, knowing it was wrong. you never cared. all you wanted was her body, the pieces you could touch with your rough hands. she was too delicate for you. she trusted you with her biggest insecurities, you complimented her knowing it was the way in, you gained her trust, then you broke her. you spread her secrets and the intimates she shared with you in confidence. she was always dumb like that. she trusted boys she knew fine well were bad news, or had a reputation, but its as if she didn't care, or perhaps she was just stupid enough to convince herself they'd changed, they were different. for her at least. maybe it was something to do with her father. its not that he wasn't in the picture, he was, just always 6 feet out of camera shot. always keeping as much distance as he could with just one foot still in the door, just enough to invalidate all the feelings of anger she had towards him. she wasn't ever ungrateful, I mean after all he worked hard to provide for their family, good education, food, clothes, shelter, she was so lucky. but it didn't make up for the fact he always held it over her head, gaslighting her with it. he never asked how her day was, he never went to school shows or parent days, he never looked at her work, she never ever got a "well done" or an "i'm proud of you", he never asked if she was ok or what was wrong when she was upset or stressed, he never asked why she was always off school or why she was always so tired, he never took her to the park, never taught her how to ride a bike, never bandaged her scraped knee, never brushed her hair, never read her a bedtime story, never cuddled her, never scratched her back or carried her to bed. and she never dare ask a question, because she was always greeted with the same five words - "now is not the time". it never seemed to be the time. she was never a priority. whether he was working, watching tv, driving, sitting quietly at the dinner table, it never seemed to be "the right time". so she stopped asking for his time. that little girl grew up all alone and looked for the validation elsewhere, particularly in older men, in every relationship she looked for the comfort she seemed to be missing, for some reason she kept going back to these toxic ways, she found herself constantly begging for attention, craving someones hands clinging to her body, always looking for something meaningless to avoid more pain, she convinced herself that these poor excuses for love was all she was worth and so she gave up the search. now that little girl is a toxic, desperate, complicated ball of mess. all because the first man to ever love her, never done it right.