I lie.

I noticed a pattern today. Every time I fill out a form or an application of any kind, whenever I get to the section asking about health questions, there is one in particular that always tends to make me freeze up for a moment. Every time I read the "mental health" section, I hesitate. I like to think that I have always been a very honest person, but if I'm being honest with you right now - I lie. Every time I see this section on a form - I lie. I skip over it leaving it blank or denying all options. Knowing fine well that deep inside of me there is something wrong, and that others around me know it too. But somehow, checking that box, almost feels like admitting that I need help, something I have always refused. It feels like admitting defeat. It somehow feels like whoever reads and reviews that form is going to view me differently, or have some kind of bias opinion on me, punish me or deny me a job because I'm "crazy" or "unfit". But I'm not loopy. I know how to separate my feelings from my daily tasks and life. I'm quite good at that actually. I compensate with work. I will show up. I will be reliable. I work well under pressure. I'm great with kids. I AM NOT CRAZY. Ticking that box does not define me. Yes, my brain might work a little differently, and yes, I may need to be medicated to get through the day. But it also makes me better at understanding people. So maybe someday, I won't hesitate and freeze up, weighing the consequences of my lie, when completing a form. But that day isn't today.