to someone I thought I knew

it's your 18th birthday today. the only reason i'm brave enough to write this is because i know you never cared enough to read the things i wrote. i just wanted to say happy birthday. that's all. ...... actually that's a lie. that's not all. there is so much more i want to say to you, i'm just not sure where to start. i don't think I ever truly thanked you for coming into my life when you did. when you found me, I was close to giving up. but i never told you that you gave me purpose. a reason to stay. you made me believe in myself again. and for that, I am eternally grateful. someone once asked me, "are you in love with him?". and I didn't know how to even respond to that question. as a 17 year old girl in a big, cold, dark, painful world, I've never believed much in love. until you. so the idea of admitting it terrifies me, because how do I even know what love is at such a young age? but I can tell you one thing I know for certain, if love does exist, you are most definitely the closest thing to it I've ever felt. i know that over the past 519 days of knowing you, our relationship, or whatever you want to call it, has been somewhat messy. I know we've both been hurt in the process, but if I could go back in time, to the day we first met, I'd do it all over again. every hurt, every pain, because it was worth it, it was all worth having you in my life. I couldn't imagine a life without you in it. I often do, go back in time I mean, I replay that day in my head, over and over. I still remember what I was wearing when you first spoke to me. the way you looked at me from across the room. we were both so shy that we barely spoke two words to each other all day. but the next time we seen each other, oh wow. it was a fairytale in my mind. I remember the way you gave me your arm to walk the tallest staircase in heels, only so we could stand at the top, all alone, and look out over the view below us. we sat and talked for hours. I delayed for as long as I could, putting my phone on silent and hiding in corners from my mother, because I never wanted to leave your side. there was this warmth about you. the way you smiled when you looked at me. everything else went silent and blurred out the world around me. I felt safe. but enough about us, today is about celebrating you. so I spend today, praying. thanking god profusely, that he gifted me you, right when I needed you most. I thank him that he blessed this world with a soul so pure. I like to believe that you were the angel he sent to me in my time of need. my very own gift from god. so happy birthday my angel, if love does exist, you are most definitely the closest thing to it I've ever felt.