to anyone who thought the world would end at 14.

if you had asked me when I was 14, where I seen myself in 10 years time... I probably would have said - in the ground. because at 14 that's all I could see for myself, for my future. when I was 14, I wanted nothing more than for the ground to swallow me up whole and for my bones to rot away in a deep, dark hole of dirt and critters. when I was 14, I thought the world would end. but it didn't, unfortunately. when I was 15, I found temporary peace at the bottom of a bottle, and I clutched onto that feeling of numbing whatever floated to the surface. I filled my liver and lungs with poison and spouted sharp words at anyone who got too close. because at 15, I thought the world would end. at 16, I covered myself in cuts and bruises and went into hibernation. detaching from everything and everyone around me, I sabotaged my entire future because I thought the world was ending at 16. by the age of 17, I was tired and ready to let go. I felt a sharp pain in my chest with every breath. at 17, I learned the burden of having a heart too pure and too fragile for this world. at 17, I let go of everything and everyone I ever knew and started from scratch. at 17, I was alone again and had nothing to show for it. at 17, I questioned all existence and purpose. because I thought the world would end at 17. now 18, i've realised that I may have lived my years too early. from the second I turned legal, I found more peace from being in bed at 9pm on a Saturday night with a cup of tea and a book. I take walks in the sun and buy myself flowers "just because". i'm not saying the world is all rainbows and butterflies, because trust me, some days still feel like hellfire raining down on bare skin. it's not easy. but with a heavy heart and pain in my chest, I managed to find strength to make it through every one of those bad days. so although healing is a long process, which I am still figuring out for myself, and I may be alone in it, I trust that I'll find my people along the way. so I am happy to be able to say the world did not end when I was 14. nor 16. and not even at 18. because now I see that future. I dream of it.