push harder.

it's 3am and im crying over sloppy buttercream and burnt cookies. sore feet, aching back, burnt, cracking hands. flour in all hidden cracks of the kitchen and a sink full of dishes piled higher than Everest. i came to a realisation today. i think the reason i push myself so hard now is because i feel the need to prove everyone wrong. my whole life, i've lived in a constant shadow of my perfect siblings, always being compared. i was the lazy, messy, failure. i'm not sure when exactly, but at some point i snapped. i forced myself to change so drastically. i went from skipping school, weekly showers and bed rashes, to working full time, a slowly growing bank account, accepting college offers, setting up my own business, a future, plans... but it never seems to be enough for me. the harder i push myself, the more i do, i'm constantly in competition with myself, the fear of failure lurking behind, pushing me ahead. almost making me stumble over my own feet. the pressure of trying to out-do myself. now i'm so afraid of the smallest mistakes, it's like a little voice in my head saying "you're failing the only thing you're good at, you're useless". but if i'm being completely honest with myself, i think the real reason i'm so afraid of those tiny mistakes, the reason i have the need to make everyone proud... is because i'm scared to go back to the person i was. the person everyone was ashamed of. the person i hated. now when told "you're doing too much"... all my mind hears, is "not enough, try harder".