I don't like myself

the big tip at the end of my nose, the rolls under my arm pits, the folds in my stomach, the hair on my knuckles, my uneven boobs, the way my legs swallow up the thigh gap i'm expected to have, the scars i carved into myself as proof of the pain that i so desperately needed validation for, the way i push people away when everything gets a little too much, the fact that i think being mean to people keeps them at a far enough distance that they won't get too close to hurt me, the way i hibernate in my room for a week straight when i’m struggling, the way i’m only happy when there's a drink in me, the fact i refuse to let anyone see a glimpse of me hurting and that i refuse help even when i'm desperate for it, the way i sit in the shower in the dark and let the burning hot water trickle down my back, the way i binge or don't eat for days or follow meals with two fingers down my throat until i wake up on the floor with cold sweats, the way i shake my leg and pull out my hair when i'm stressed or upset or nervous until it all finally boils over and i’m screaming in someones face, the guilt i feel after even though i act like i don't give two shits, the facade i put on to convince everyone that i have no emotions towards anything even though i know that it’s killing me inside that i'll never be loved the way i love. these are just a few of the things i hate about myself. because the truth is... i don't like myself very much. i never have. last week i found a video of myself as a child, this little girl so full of joy and life, she was so excited because it was her birthday, and she was starting nursery. she had no clue what was ahead. she'd be so disappointed if she saw me now. i wish i could be like her, but i don't know how, i lost myself. i have no clue where i’m going in this life and as much as i say i don't care, it terrifies me. i don't know my purpose in this world, or if i even have one, but i know that she would want me to keep fighting for her, for her dreams, so i promise you angel, i'll keep trying. as hard as i can. for you.