we're burning

this world burned me too young. they say when you're born into a burning house, you think the whole world is on fire. well, mines was. every spark is a constant fear. every firework is dangerous. everything that holds beauty, also holds fear. i used to believe that the flames weren’t always a danger to us, they could be beautiful. but the world taught me a lesson. it taught me that i was too naive. too innocent. i saw the best in people, and that only got me hurt. if you want to succeed in this life you have to be strong. that was something i wasn’t. so i changed that. i stopped waiting for someone to put out the flames i was so engulfed in and instead i ran through them. it got to the point where i didn’t want help anymore. i would rather burn myself over and over, time and time again…than let someone else. because that’s the reality. people say they care, they want to help, but in the end they always let you down. they fail you. and you’re the one left in the burning house alone. that’s the thing with love, it’s a flame that holds such heat but can be so blindingly bright. it will trick you with it’s warmth and beauty, then when you get just close enough, it burns you, because where there is a flame, someone’s always bound to get burned.  someone once said to me “i see you building these walls and guarding yourself, this little tough cookie act like no one can hurt you. but i know that’s a defence mechanism and whilst that’s good and necessary for some things in life, it’s restrictive to your happiness in the long term”. these words killed me inside. i was furious with myself. how could i be so careless? how was i so weak as to let people see what was underneath the facade i’d worked so hard to put on? i was so caught up in the fact that i slipped up, that i missed the whole point. maybe one day i’ll change this mindset, but for now i’ll keep my walls up. i’ll keep fighting on my own. i’ll keep putting my own flames out. and i don’t necessarily think that’s a bad thing to be honest. because that’s what keeps me going, the reminder that i am strong enough to fight my own battles, on my own. because if i lean on someone else, what if i like it? what if i depend on them? that can be taken away at any given point with no warning whatsoever. that’s why i refuse to let myself feel, trust, be vulnerable. if i rely on someone, i risk them hurting me, and that’s not something i can afford anymore, i refuse to put myself through that again. i risk them seeing the real me. and that is someone i never want to show. i’ll keep her buried deep down and tell myself she’s not there. that little girl crying for help is a distant voice in my head now. i am stronger. i know this. i have to be. i also know that beyond those burning walls, there is a whole world, that isn’t on fire. and i can go anywhere, if i just set my mind to it. i am stronger. i know this.