the honest truth

living with depression and anxiety can be one of the most draining things to do in this life. it’s like being tired and scared at the same time. it’s the fear of failure, but no motivation to be productive. it’s wanting to be alone, but not wanting to be lonely. it’s wanting friends, but not wanting to socialise. it’s not wanting to appear weak, not wanting people to notice, but wanting to give a cry for help. nothing makes sense, you’re trapped in your own head. you feel everything all at once and then suddenly paralysing numb, it all cancels each other out until you’re left feeling nothing. it’s probably the loneliest feeling you could experience and words can’t begin to describe it. so when people ask what’s wrong, why you’re distancing yourself, why you’re cutting yourself off from life, not leaving the house, what do you say? how do you explain all this to someone? it becomes a way of living, something we have to learn to adapt to and deal with, even when we don’t understand it ourselves, eventually it just becomes our normality. sometimes i wonder if i’ve ever really felt happiness, true pure joyful happiness, thinking back on memories, looking at pictures, was i just faking another smile? was it ever real? it’s like feeling detached from reality, you can feel yourself splitting but you’re not sure how to make conscious decisions or movements, it's like you’re just floating above watching, but you can’t do anything. the truth is, mental health can throw you to the ground if you let it, and i’ve continuously fallen, over and over, tiredly picking myself up each time. i have to keep regularly reminding myself that i’m the only one that’s there for me, that i have to get myself back up, i’m the only one that will look after me, and that i can, i have been and i’m proud of that, of how far i’ve come. because at the end of the day i’m the one that forces myself to eat when i feel sick to my stomach after days, i’m the one to bandage my scars, i’m the one to get myself up off the shower floor, i’m the one to dry my own tears. i know my experiences have made me who i am today, and whilst they have been more than tough, i would do them all over again, because i think that those things were meant to happen to me for a reason, they have made me a stronger person. i just hope this time, i’m strong enough to get back up.