scatter brain

did you know that only 5% of the ocean has been discovered? sometimes that's how i feel in my own head. a scatter brain. like there’s so much that i don’t actually understand half of it, or know where to start. i’m just floating around in all this undiscovered mess. do you ever feel as though your head is going to explode? like there are so many thoughts racing, running through your mind, too fast for you to keep up. you can’t decide how to feel, you can’t comprehend your emotions before another one pops up. it’s difficult to think straight with so much going on. this is why i write. sometimes it helps, i find myself scurrying to try to understand my thoughts and type them out before i forget. sometimes none of it makes sense. i ramble. it’s hard to keep up, i know. the point is… sometimes you can get scared of your own mind, it feels like you’re trapped. like the voice in your head speaks too quickly for your mind to keep up, you get lost, confused easily. my voice, it’s louder than most. sometimes i can hear it screaming at me. it tells me all sorts of things. it likes to play tricks on me. it confuses me, one minute it tells me that i’m feeling pretty, then the next, that no one could ever like someone as ugly as me, and that i’m embarrassing myself by even trying to look nice, or that i can’t be seen in public like that. it tells me in a room full of people, that i’m completely alone. people are staring at you. you don’t deserve love. you don’t want love anyways, everyone will hurt you eventually. you’re not skinny enough. people used to comment on how skinny you were, they don’t anymore… because you’re fat now. it gaslights you until you’re left questioning whether it’s the people around you that are the problem, or maybe you’re just crazy, maybe you’re playing the victim. am i actually happy? have i ever really been happy? have i ever really felt happiness, pure joyful bliss? am i even capable of love? is my soul too far gone, darkened? my heart, too empty? when did i stop caring about everything? am i that toxic? am i really hurting others around me, or am i just protecting myself? nothing feels real, this isn’t real, it's just a dream. you’re just a character in this alternate universe, it's a scenario playing out. are they really my friends? they never seem to care as much as i do. but that’s not just them, no one cares as much as i do. or did. i don’t care anymore. i cant. i won’t let myself. that’s why i turned it off. i cut myself off from reality. i stopped the pain. because if i don’t care, i can’t be hurt. it worked, i guess. for a while at least. now i just blankly stare at walls, with empty thoughts. i drown out that voice telling me i’m not good enough. i convince myself that i’m happy, that i’m doing better. even though i’m not sure if i actually am, but that’s ok, because what is it they say? “fake it until you make it”, right?