our chapter

i told myself i didn’t care anymore. i didn’t care that you pushed me to press that block button on my phone, moments before the new year countdown, forcing me to leave you behind, i didn’t care. sometimes i’d find myself glancing at you from across the room when you weren’t looking, but it didn’t mean anything, because i didn’t really care. i’d find myself looking at my shoes when i heard your name in conversation. i’d try to show no emotion on my face whatsoever, making sure no one seen that look i used to get when i thought of you. but again, i didn’t care, right? that note you wrote in my book, the bookmark still holds that page. i scrolled every time i seen a stupid tiktok of you, making sure not to like it, even if you didn’t post it, because i didn’t want anyone to think i still cared, because i didn’t. i know now, by trying so hard to show how much i didn’t care, it showed me how much i did. those feelings i was suppressing were so strong, but it didn’t matter because you didn’t want them. and i’m ok with that now. i know you don’t care. i know you don’t look up my name on socials to see how i’m holding up. i know you don’t ask about me. i know you walk faster when you know i’m behind you to avoid having to hold the door for me. i know. and i’m ok with it now. i can genuinely sit here and say that i no longer care. and i mean that. you can have that girl i called I my “best friend”. you can have anyone you want and i’ll be happy for you, because that’s all i ever really wanted — to see you happy. even if it’s not with me. you can talk down on me. you could say you want our friendship back, and i still wouldn’t care. because i’ve grown. you no longer affect me. and i’ve realised that i don’t need you anymore. i don’t need your replies. i don’t need you to be nice to me. i don’t need you to hold my drunk mess in your arms at 2am and wipe my tears until i finally catch my breath. and not only do i not need it, i don’t want it. so this is it, i’m finally taking out the bookmark and flicking the page. because this chapter is over and it’s time to move on. so i thank you for the pages you took up in my book, and the lessons you taught me. but i’m afraid you aren’t in my happy ending.