learn me

someone once asked me my biggest fear. i said spiders. i lied. it’s love. i think love is probably one of the scariest things in this world. the mere thought of it makes me freeze in terror, yet… somehow i still long to experience it. the thought of letting someone love you unconditionally, letting them see all the real, raw parts of you, having to open up, trust them not to shatter you into a million pieces all over again, having to rely on someone — who could easily turn around and walk away at any given point with no warning whatsoever. it terrifies me. so i act cold, like i don’t want it, like it doesn’t affect me, like it’s pointless and it doesn’t exist. Because the truth is i have an irrational, crippling, consuming fear of seeming weak or vulnerable in any way possible. yet the intrusive thoughts still take over occasionally, i still wonder… will it ever be my turn? will i ever really understand that feeling of pure, innocent bliss, that wholesome passion? is it even real, or is it just some made up fairytale ending you see in movies, something people trick themselves into believing to make themselves feel better, less alone? i’ve never really experienced it before. the only love i’ve ever known — if you could even call it that — is toxic, destructive, fake, it gaslights you into questioning your every move. but there’s just something so intriguing about real love, something that makes me wonder what it’s like. having someone stare straight into your soul, know every thought going through your mind with one glance. someone to study every inch of you — inside and out. having someone be with you not “despite of your flaws”, but because of them. someone to love every annoying habit and still be there to hold your hand through the good days, and bad. i want someone to learn me. i want someone to memorise the path of my crooked smile that i hate so much, the exact shade of my eyes, the birthmark shaped like a dolphin on my thigh, the scars i plaster over, the way i ramble at an alarming speed and stumble over my own words when i get excited about something. the way my eyes light up with joy when i’m in the kitchen. the way i shake my leg, squeeze my hands, twist my hair and play with my jewellery when i’m nervous. someone that always has gum at hand for when i chew on my mouth. someone that understands me without having to explain myself. someone to listen to my story without judgement but just to hold me and realise why i am the way i am. someone that recognises when i’m about to have a panic attack. someone to know that they have to hug me to calm me down, and squeeze tighter even when i freak and push them away. someone that knows how much i love falling asleep to the sound of rain. someone to text making sure i got home ok. someone that can sit in silence and do our own things without getting bored because just each others company is comfort enough. someone to take me on random 3am drives where we sing our hearts out and watch the sunrise. someone that fulfils my childish dream of dancing in the rain. someone that knows they have to catch me and keep hold of me when i jump in the deep end of the pool because i can barely swim and all 5 foot of me will drown straight away. someone that knows to pick out all the green and white gummy bears for me since they’re my favourites. someone that brings me colouring books and ice cream when i’m bored. someone that gets me a hot water bottle and chocolate when i get bad cramps. someone that picks baby names on a lazy sunday afternoon with iced coffee and pancakes. someone who buys me flowers for no reason, just because. someone who doesn’t get mad when i have the same song on repeat for days. someone to get up early and wait in a queue for my favourite concert tickets as a surprise. someone who knows that i put ice in my tea otherwise it’s too hot to drink straight away. someone that knows i can only drink from massive water bottles. someone that goes to the gym with me because they know my anxiety is too much to go alone, and doesn’t get mad when they have to drive me back home because it’s too busy for me to get out the car. someone to not only ask for my parents' blessing to marry me, but also my sisters because they know they’re just as important in my life. someone to plan out my dream proposal just like the way i always imagined when I was little. someone that sends me cringey texts every morning and night. someone that sends me a picture of every pretty sky they see because they know i’m obsessed with them. someone to pick me a flower every time they go for a walk so i can save them up for our wedding day. someone to watch fireworks with. someone to surprise me with the simplest dates, like a movie night in the boot of the car, or a hot bubble bath, or a drive-in movie, or a picnic in the park, or a pillow fort at home, or even just laying on our backs staring at the stars for hours. i want someone to travel the world with me. someone that gets matching christmas pjs for us to bake cookies in, sing and decorate our little home together. someone that knows no matter how old i get, i will never be too old for another teddy to add to the collection that scatters my bed. someone that knows never to scratch their cutlery off their plate or let metal screech off of metal because they know the noise drives me nuts. someone that knows they don’t have to hold me during scary movies because i love them. someone that loves big thrilling rollercoasters just as much as i do and never refuses to go on with me for the 10th time regardless of how sick or dizzy they feel. someone that knows how much i love to dance in a club like nobody’s watching. Someone that knows i’m lying and that i’ll just doze off when i say i’ll give them a back massage if they give me one first. someone to hold my hair back when i get alcohol poisoning for the millionth time. someone to bring me a cup of tea and toast even when i say i’m not hungry. someone to hold me until i feel better when i refuse to get out of bed for a week straight. someone to sit me in the bathtub and shave my legs, wash my hair and scrub my back like the comfort of a child being nursed again. someone to brush my hair and wipe my tears for me. someone that knows to play with my hair and stroke my eyebrows to put me to sleep. someone to cover me with a blanket and carry me to bed when i pass out on the sofa. someone that tells me little white lies, like that i look beautiful in sweats and greasy hair. someone that loves every piece of me, every bump, spot, scar, stubbly legs, messy hair, morning breath, all of it. i want that kind of love. it’s just a shame that i might never find it. because my own stupid fears stand in the way of me. i am what stands in the way of my own happiness. but i guess that’s a risk i’m willing to take, over the chance of being hurt again.