invalidation of recovery

the scale went up again. along with the number of days on my phone. the number of days i’ve been clean. clothes weren’t baggy anymore. the scars on my arms faded. showers stopped stinging. i’m getting better. everyday is progress. that’s a good thing though, right? so why do i feel like a failure? why do i miss the sting of hot water on my arms? why do i miss the empty feeling in my stomach? no one ever talks about the invalidation of recovery. the feeling that you’re not sick anymore. that you clearly weren’t sick enough. feeling like you already failed everything else in life, and now you’ve even failed an illness. no one talks about the guilt of wanting to be sick again. the feeling of finding comfort in your illness.