"i'm fine"

“are you ok?” why does it have to be such a complicated question? there are so many thoughts going through my head, so many things I could say, but where do i start? i could be honest and sit and tell you all about my shitty day, week, year, life in general to be honest. i could tell you how hard it is to focus or find motivation for simple everyday tasks. i could tell you how no one has asked that question in a long time. how every time i look at my family i can see the disappointment and despair in their eyes, wishing for something more, expectations of someone i know i’ll never live up to no matter what i do, so why try? how i sit at the top of the stairs and hear the conversations about me, how i’m letting everyone down, i’m a mess. how no one talks to me anymore, and if they do i get mad for no reason and lash out. how i’ve pushed everyone away. how i leave messages on read because i don’t have the energy to pretend to care or make conversation anymore. i could tell you that i haven’t eaten in 6 days, showered in 9 or left the house in 12. i could tell you i’m flunking out of school, failing all my classes. or maybe about how i can’t even stand to look in the mirror anymore. how the only peace i find anymore is at the bottom of a tequila bottle. or in a crowd of loud sweaty strangers dancing in a dark, colourfully lit club, with someones hands around my waist and their tongue on mine. clinging to the hope of feeling something, anything. but still, nothing. completely numb. and some days it’s not so bad, not feeling the guilt and pain you cause, not caring. but others it can be draining, waiting for a single tear to fall, but finding them dry and leaving yourself to stare at a ceiling feeling empty, left with nothing but blank, meaningless thoughts. i could tell you i’m struggling to hold on, i’m alone and stuck in my head. i could explain how much i hate being here and how pointless it is, that i didn’t ask for any of this. i didn’t ask to be brought into this cruel world, so why should i be forced to stay? all the crippling anxieties that consume me every minute of the day. that the only place i feel safe anymore is in my dimmed room with the curtains drawn and the tv on, the comfort of my warm bed — because sleep is my only escape from reality, clinging to my childhood teddy, wishing to go back to a simpler time. how i walk around with earphones at full volume hoping to drown out the noise. but people don’t want to hear that. they don’t want the pressure of having to think of a reply. they don’t care. and i don’t blame them to be perfectly honest. i don’t want to be the one to burden them and bring them down. it is merely a passing comment. a rhetorical question that doesn’t really require an answer at all. so instead, i learnt to smile, and say “i’m fine, thanks”.