euphoric moments

i once read something… “stop being so depressed, live every day as if it is your last, because you never know if it will be”. since then, i have. i live in the moment. i stopped caring. i asked myself… “will this make me happy”. some people may describe me as cold, selfish, ignorant… but that’s only because they never knew the old me. the girl who cared so much that the pain consumed her, filled with more love to give than she ever could possibly imagine receiving. so she turned it off. i left her behind. i put me first now. now, i no longer survive, but i live, for me. i dance in the rain, i learned how to say no, i bake cookies at 3am, i allow myself to be messy, i go out and drink until my head spins, feel deep breaths of smoke in my lungs, in a crowd of loud, sweaty strangers, hands round your waist and lips on your neck, music so loud you can feel the beat pounding in your chest, the flashing lights making everything move in slow motion, desperately reaching to touch the ceiling, jumping and screaming song lyrics in a strangers face and closing my eyes to throw my hair around like i have no care in the world. because i don’t. and i love every minute of it. i love pretending like i’m the only person in the room, i do it for me. it feels like a movie. but i’m not like most, fighting over the main character, i love being in the background. i love being the un-noticed, free willed person no one looks twice at, not having to follow a script or fall into a story line. i am finally free. living for every second of those euphoric moments.