bodies

looking back, I regret the way I treated myself. the ways I took advantage and exploited my own body. it makes my stomach churn to even think about it now. and not in a sense of what I did. because there is no shame in sharing our bodies and celebrating them. but more in a sense of why I did it. I feel pain at the thought that I felt I had to use my body in ways I didn't like, in order to get someone's attention. attention that wasn't given under other circumstances. I felt I needed this as some sort of validation, some kind of distraction, almost even a punishment. maybe that's why i'm so against letting others see it now, i'm so ashamed of how i mistreated it before, that now any time I ever consider sharing it, i'm overwhelmed with this flooding wave of guilt. but if I could tell myself how sorry I am, I would. you never needed to do that in order to keep someone around who never even wanted you. and changing how your body looks now, wont heal any past trauma. you are beautiful, and you are enough.