unloveable

sometimes i'm afraid that i might just be... completely unlovable. lately i just can't seem to get this thought out of my head. as i go about my days, my mind is constantly replaying that day, over and over. did i do something wrong? did i say something? maybe I didn't look nice... i'm not sure exactly. i don't know the reason for your absence. in my mind, things were going well, finally falling into place. you asked me. that's the part i still don't understand. you asked me. we went on a date. i offered to pay, but you insisted. we walked, you pulled me back from the edge of the road, you smiled, we went home, put on a movie, and you pulled me close, i cuddled into your arms and everything was perfect, you walked me to my train.. and i left you, my arms longing for your presence once again, i went home, with a grin plastered from ear to ear. i sat down and talked to my mum all about you... and we don't do that. then as the days went by, so did your interest. i could feel you slowly distancing yourself. until you just fell off the face of the earth. messages ignored, location turned off. you just... disappeared. completely ghosted me. and i guess it would've been easier to deal with if i just had a reason, you could've at least picked a fight with me before you left. because at least then i'd be angry with you, i'd know why we stopped talking. but instead, you were selfish. you disappeared with no warning, no reasoning... and now you get to go about your days with not a worry in mind, whilst i, am left to question every move i've ever made. because it's not as if i forced my way in, you made the effort, you made the promises to change - which i never believed anyways, but at least now i have the satisfaction of knowing i was right. and i know this sounds pathetic that i'm so torn up over a silly little boy, but it's not necessarily you that's hurting me, it's the situation i'm in. again. the same situation i've been in a million times over. that's what i can't seem to wrap my head around. why me, again? what's so wrong with me? what am i doing wrong? why do i seem to push everyone away from me? i just need answers. because maybe then, i could change, i could fix myself. and become someone who could be loved.