it's a process

the realisation that your illness will forever follow you is an indescribable feeling. every time I start to think im better, its there lurking in my shadows just waiting to come back and haunt me again. I can't rid of that feeling. no one talks about the gut wrenching feeling of wanting to be ill. the guilt. the shame. the invalidation. the anger. when you finally nurse yourself back to health only to realise you miss the comfort of being sick. the healed scars I regret not making deeper, why didnt they stay? why did they heal? I can't see them anymore, I need proof of the pain. but that in itself is proof that you are not as healed as you once thought, because normal people don't wish to be sick... normal people don't need pills to sleep at night.